Most of my relationships have been short term disasters. That's an understatement. All of my relationships have been short term, and laced with various levels of disaster. I have never had a serious long term relationship and with the number of men I meet on a regular basis, I had to be really screwing things up somewhere. Somewhere along the line I went completely awry?
The answer came to me as I was analyzing my current relationship with a male friend, thinking to much. I have trained my self to never let my heart rule. Rationalizing every single detail, over thinking every step. All the way to the point where I don't even know what I want in a potential mate anymore. In fact, I don't even have a type anymore. I have trained myself to hold on to every possibility rather than taking the time to pursue a relationship with one person. All my "maybes" get in the way of the men that I should be investing time into, the men I could really fall in love with.
Everybody has become my type, yet I don't give any one an adequate chance to win my attention and keep it all to himself. A fine mess.
If no where else, here the heart should rule. So now, I am going back to basics to figure out what it is that I want. And when I find it, I'm going after it.
*PS "Problem" is in "" because I don't think being single is necessarily a problem. :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday, September 17, 2009
THE Angela Davis
Over 65 and still remarkably beautiful at her age, in more ways than one. I got to hear this revolutionary speak in a room of crowded bodies, personal space long forgotten. She sat 15 feet from me. Speaking about the Critical Resistance 10 grass roots movement. Speaking briefly on Obama. Forcing me to inspect myself, my consciousness, and my priorities. I had walked into the Training for Success school feeling nervous and small at the imminent possibility of being in the presence of someone so great.
I left knowing that the person I had been waiting for all along had walked in with me. And that either my dissertation or thesis was probably under my fingers. I also left knowing that my role as a sociologist would be the same as a writer, to make revolution irresistible: through mythbusting, etc.
I left knowing that the person I had been waiting for all along had walked in with me. And that either my dissertation or thesis was probably under my fingers. I also left knowing that my role as a sociologist would be the same as a writer, to make revolution irresistible: through mythbusting, etc.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Oh Kanye
Not going to complain about the so-called Hip Hop nominations, and not about to argue over whether or not what Kanye did was wrong. Instead I choose to dwell on the comments that arose from his act.
The comments have been seen before: "Setting the race back", "Making Black people look bad", "Confimring the idea that we're ignorant niggas."
We, as a people, can't seem to stop self policing. We condone others' right to judge us. This is ridiculous, esp since society will continue to find fuel for their ideologies and stereotypes even if we censured ourselves invisible. Instead of fighting our behaviors can we fight their right to judge us as a group, the right to assume that Kanye's behavior is a product of his race. If that's the case, the guy calling our president a "Liar" was a member of the wrong race.
The comments have been seen before: "Setting the race back", "Making Black people look bad", "Confimring the idea that we're ignorant niggas."
We, as a people, can't seem to stop self policing. We condone others' right to judge us. This is ridiculous, esp since society will continue to find fuel for their ideologies and stereotypes even if we censured ourselves invisible. Instead of fighting our behaviors can we fight their right to judge us as a group, the right to assume that Kanye's behavior is a product of his race. If that's the case, the guy calling our president a "Liar" was a member of the wrong race.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
"We talk on this page"...
As I was walking through the hospital yesterday on my way home from work I came across this poem in a frame on the wall. Langston Hughes' "English Theme B". Loved it but especially this line in particular.
This line reminds me of a concept that comes up over and over again in my english classes: the idea that every book you read is a dialectic between you, the author, the characters, etc. I believe this whole heartedly, in fact, this is why I read so slowly. I can't help but think over every idea, connect the lines on the page to stories or people in my own life, or stories that I have heard before.
It makes me happy to write between the lines on the pages in books. Not only because this is a mark of ownership, but also because when I read the book in the future it will become a conversation between myself, the book, and the thoughts I had when I read originally.
I get to engage with the likes of Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler, Ralph Ellison, and Gwendolyn Brooks on my own terms.
"...I feel that what people bring to my work it at least as important to them as what I put into it." -Octavia Butler
This line reminds me of a concept that comes up over and over again in my english classes: the idea that every book you read is a dialectic between you, the author, the characters, etc. I believe this whole heartedly, in fact, this is why I read so slowly. I can't help but think over every idea, connect the lines on the page to stories or people in my own life, or stories that I have heard before.
It makes me happy to write between the lines on the pages in books. Not only because this is a mark of ownership, but also because when I read the book in the future it will become a conversation between myself, the book, and the thoughts I had when I read originally.
I get to engage with the likes of Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler, Ralph Ellison, and Gwendolyn Brooks on my own terms.
"...I feel that what people bring to my work it at least as important to them as what I put into it." -Octavia Butler
Friday, July 10, 2009
Af Am Section at Borders
So many things in our society contribute to the definition of what is black. This is my personal attack on one of them. The same way the fact that BET has black in its title pisses me off, the African American Section in Borders serves the same purpose. Right there in big letters, they make a statement about what black literature is. And it's not Ralph Ellison, James Baldwin, or Toni Morrison, nope. The first thing you see are those so-called "hip hop" novels (that title is problematic as well). Not downing any one who reads these, to each his or her own, but they do not account for the majority of black literature, so why do they make up the majority of this section? I must admit that Toni Morrison had a novel or two shoved in there somewhere, but can we get equal representation? Can we stop making the statement that black culture is monolithic? I'm going to go back, look the section over one more time, then make a complaint to management, I'll let you know how that goes.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Over and over we link violence to sex
Somehow I settled on this topic to lead me back into the habit of posting.
The other night some of my friends jokingly remarked that I should take a mutual friend to a party, get her drunk, and help her find a guy to "bust it down". I think I threw up in my mouth. Here I was with some of the best and the brightest females from all over the country, and they were encouraging what sounded like rape to me. From the level of intoxication on the females part, to the violent ring the words "bust it down" had to it. I get queasy thinking about it.
Impairing her ability to give consent is an issue for another day. (And trust me I am not dismissing it)
I just wanted to discuss the increasing occurrence of jokes linking sex to violence in my every day life. Phrases like "Bust it", "hit it", "beat it up" never cease to disgust me. Is this what members of our society see sex as today. Conquering pussy.
In our jokes, conversations, songs, continuing to be normalized day by day.
And to hear it in this environment made the words sting even worse...
The other night some of my friends jokingly remarked that I should take a mutual friend to a party, get her drunk, and help her find a guy to "bust it down". I think I threw up in my mouth. Here I was with some of the best and the brightest females from all over the country, and they were encouraging what sounded like rape to me. From the level of intoxication on the females part, to the violent ring the words "bust it down" had to it. I get queasy thinking about it.
Impairing her ability to give consent is an issue for another day. (And trust me I am not dismissing it)
I just wanted to discuss the increasing occurrence of jokes linking sex to violence in my every day life. Phrases like "Bust it", "hit it", "beat it up" never cease to disgust me. Is this what members of our society see sex as today. Conquering pussy.
In our jokes, conversations, songs, continuing to be normalized day by day.
And to hear it in this environment made the words sting even worse...
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Pressure to Conform
it's been a while, I have been swamped with work and class. But I have taken a huge step since my last post...
Just this Saturday, I chopped off all of my perm, and with this exposing of my true self I came face to face with the parts of the dominant beauty standard that I was still holding on to.
I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down, throughout my entire transitioning period, I was a bit relieved to see how wavy my newgrowth appeared. I wasn't quite that "nappy". Well boy didn't God deliver me a surprise on Saturday afternoon. The stylist handed me the mirror and I was just as kinky as the next person. And now I am glad to have to face my own brainwashing head on. Otherwise the process was incomplete. Otherwise I was a hypocrite to every other women I encouraged to do the same.
Now I am dealing with it. First few days feeling quite unpretty. Dealing with the idea that my hair weeds out all of the brainwashed men that would have approached me before, making dating even harder. But I set out to do something much bigger than all of that superficial crap. I must say, it was nice to meet me on Saturday.
Just this Saturday, I chopped off all of my perm, and with this exposing of my true self I came face to face with the parts of the dominant beauty standard that I was still holding on to.
I am ashamed to admit this, but deep down, throughout my entire transitioning period, I was a bit relieved to see how wavy my newgrowth appeared. I wasn't quite that "nappy". Well boy didn't God deliver me a surprise on Saturday afternoon. The stylist handed me the mirror and I was just as kinky as the next person. And now I am glad to have to face my own brainwashing head on. Otherwise the process was incomplete. Otherwise I was a hypocrite to every other women I encouraged to do the same.
Now I am dealing with it. First few days feeling quite unpretty. Dealing with the idea that my hair weeds out all of the brainwashed men that would have approached me before, making dating even harder. But I set out to do something much bigger than all of that superficial crap. I must say, it was nice to meet me on Saturday.
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